Ababyeyi benshi ntibazabikwemerera, ariko umubare utunguranye muri bo ugira ‘umwana utoneshwa’ kurusha abandi kandi uburyo bamufata ugereranyije n’abandi bishobora kugira ingaruka z’ubuzima bwose ku buzima bwabo bwo mu mutwe ari bakuru, bubatse izabo cyangwa banashaje.
Njye n’abavandimwe banjye twari tubizi ko musaza wacu wo hagati iyo yazaga gusura ababyeyi, mama yateguraga ifunguro ryihariye.
Tukinuba tuti “umuhungu w’umutoni”, tuvuga ko abasigaye tutajya dufatwa gutyo. Igisobanuro twahabwaga ni uko we kenshi ataza gusangira ifunguro ryo ku cyumweru nkatwe, ariko n’ubundi twumvaga harimo kubogama.
Mu kuri, uretse iryo funguro, ntabwo nibaza ko ababyeyi banjye bafite uwo bakunda kuturusha. Nakuze ndi umwe mu bavandimwe batandatu mu muryango w’abakozi mu majyaruguru ya London. Birumvikana ko njye na basaza banjye na bakuru banjye twese twabaga dufite inshingano zitandukanye mu rugo, ku mpamvu zigaragara. Nk’umuto muri bo, urugero, ninjye watumwaga kuzana icyo ababyeyi bashaka, wenda kuko bakekaga ko ari njye unyarutsa. Mukuru wanjye niwe wajyaga guhaha, kuko yashoboraga gutwara imodoka. Rwari urugo ruhora ruhuze, twari tunafite imbwa yitwa Sheba.
Muri rusange byari ibisanzwe. Ariko umwaka ushize, twateranye nk’umuryango, umwe muri basaza banjye yaracitswe avuga ko yumva ari njye data akunda kubarusha.
Mukuru wanjye yabaye nk’utunguwe n’ibyo. Nanjye mbona ko hari ibirenze ibyo nibwiraga – ko ababyeyi banjye ntawe bakundwakaza muri twe. Nibajije uko abandi bantu mu muryango wanjye no mu yindi miryango uko bifata ku kintu nk’iki, n’uburyo hari ingaruka ndende bitugiraho nubwo bwose tutaba tubizi neza.
Ubushakashatsi buvuga ko mu buryo butunguranye ababyeyi gukunda abana bamwe kurushaho bibaho henshi – kandi ko aho kuba akantu gasanzwe mu buzima ahubwo bishobora kugira ingaruka mbi. Biba mu ngo zigera kuri 65% kandi byabonetse mu mico itandukanye yakozweho ubushakashatsi.
Uko biri henshi, niko bishobora kwangiza imibereho y’abana mu buzima bwabo, kuva mu bwana kugera mu myaka yo hagati no kurenga aho. Bifatwa nk’ikintu cy’ingenzi mu bibazo bitandukanye by’amarangamutima ndetse abahanga mu mitekerereze babihaye izina: “parental differential treatment”, cyangwa PDT.
Gusa, nk’uko nabiganiriyeho na musaza wanjye, abandi bavandimwe bo mu muryango umwe nabo bashobora kujya impaka niba koko hari ingaruka byabagizeho. Kubera ko kumva udakunzwe nk’abandi bishobora gutandukana bitewe n’umuntu, nk’uko bivugwa na Laurie Kramer, umwalimu mu by’imitekerereze muri Northeastern University muri Ameirka.
Ati: “Hari ibyo umuntu aba yaraciyemo, aho umubyeyi akunda undi mwana kumurusha, ibyo bishobora kuba mu kumuha igihe kinini kurushaho, kumwitaho, kumushima, cyangwa kumukundwakaza. Bikaba byatuma undi atagenzurwa cyane, akishimira ubwisanzure runaka, ntashyirweho igitutu cyangwa se n’ibihano.”
Gusa ntabwo buri wese mu muryango aba abibona gutyo. Yongeraho ati: “Uko umwe ababibona bishobora kuba atari ko abandi bavandimwe babibona, ndetse bishobora gutandukana bitewe n’icyo ababyeyi bakoze ku mwana runaka.”
Ku bantu bumva bafatwa nk’aho ari uwa kabiri, ingaruka zishobora gukomera. Ubushakashatsi buvuga ko kuva ku myaka yo hasi abana bamenya gutandukanya uko bafatwa, nk’iyo ababyeyi bishimiye umwana umwe kurusha umuvandimwe we. Ukwishimira umwana kurusha undi gutya kw’ababyeyi guhuzwa no kutigirira icyizere kw’abana, hamwe n’umunabi wo mu bwana, kwiheba, n’indi myifatire iteye inkeke. Bishobora no gutera ibindi bibazo by’imibereho bishamikiyeho kuri icyo.
Urugero, abashakashatsi mu Bushinwa berekanye ko gukundwakaza umwana mu bandi kw’ababyeyi biganisha ku kubatwa na telephone mu bugimbi n’ubukumi. Mu nyigo nto muri Canada ku rubyiruko umunani rutagira aho kuba, barindwi bavuze ko ababyeyi babo bakundaga undi muvandimwe wabo kubarusha, naho bo bagahora ari “umwana w’ikibazo” kandi ibi byatumye batana n’imiryango yabo.
Nubwo iyi nyigo ari nto cyane ku buryo itafatirwaho umwanzuro, yerekana ko umubyeyi iyo akunze umwana kurusha abandi bishobora kugira ingaruka mbi.
Ingaruka ku buzima bwo mu mutwe zishobora kandi gukomeza n’umuntu ari mukuru, aho urugero gutoneshwa n’umubyeyi w’umugore ubushakashatsi bwerekanye ko bifitanye isano n’igipimo cyo hejuru cy’agahinda gakabije mu bana bamaze gukura. Ibyo bikaba bishobora no gukomeza na nyuma mu buzima, iyo ababyeyi bakomeje ibyo ku bana bakuze.
Mu gihe ababyeyi aribo nyirabayazana w’ibi, gutonesha mu bana bishobora kugira ingaruka ku mubano mwiza w’abavandimwe mu buzima ndetse bikaganisha ku makimbirane. Ibi biteye impungenge kuko ubusanzwe kubana neza kw’abavandimwe ari ingenzi cyane mu buzima bwose, mu magara yacu, n’ibyishimo byacu.
Ese ababyeyi bakwirinda kugira uwo batonesha?
Uko Kramer abibona, gutonesha bashobora kubikora batanabitekereje ndetse ntibanamenye ko ari ko bimeze. Ati: “Gutonesha ku babyeyi bishobora guhera ku kuba umwana runaka ari we byoroshye kurera, bakiyumva cyane muri uwo mwana, bakabona byinshi bahuza nawe.”
Ubushakashatsi bwe ku ngimbi n’abangavu n’ababyeyi babo bwerekanye ko imiryango isa n’itavuga kuri ibi, ibintu bituma bigorana kurushaho kuvanaho icyababaza abandi cyose cyangwa ukutumvikana.
Kramer ati: “Ibi bibaye biganiriweho mu buryo bukwiye, aho nta muntu wakumva ko ari we kibazo cyangwa ari ikosa rye, byafasha gukemura ikibazo no kwirinda ingaruka.” Aho umubyeyi, urugero, yabaza abana impamvu bumva hari uwo akunda kubarusha.
Ati: “Umubyeyi aramutse yumvise, akabazwa, maze agatanga impamvu ye, icyo kintu cyakora ibitangaza.” Abana bashobora kubona ko mu by’ukuri nta mutima mubi, kandi ko mu by’ukuri atari ugukunda umwe kurusha abandi.
Mu muryango wanjye, natwe ntitwigeze tuganira kuri iki kibazo. Ariko nyuma y’uko musaza wanjye acitswe akambwira ko abona ari njye mutoni muri twe, byatumye niyemeza kubicukumburaho.
Icya mbere, nabajije musaza wanjye impamvu yavuze ibyo. Asubiza ko cyera data yahoraga amwihaniza kunkangisha amashusho yo kuri TV yatumaga ndira. Ibyo sinabyibukaga.
Uko njye n’abavandimwe banjye twabiganiragaho, twibutse uburyo rimwe na rimwe mama yakundwakazaga musaza wacu mukuru, yenda kuko yari imfura ye. Hagati aho, data we kenshi yashimagizaga musaza wacu wo hagati kuba intyoza, ikintu yakundaga, ndetse bari bahuriyeho. Hakaba kandi rya funguro ryihariye riza iyo uyu musaza wacu wo hagati yaje.
Ni utuntu duto tw’itandukaniro, ariko biroroshye kubona ko twakujijwe tukaba ibindi bintu ndetse bishobora kuganisha ku byiyumviro runaka. Birashoboka ko ari uko twari batandatu – batanu basigaye tugahora dutebya uburyo tutakirizwa rya funguro ryihariye, ariko tukarisangira twese iyo uyu musaza wacu yabaga yaje.
Tekereza ari umuryango ufite abana bakuru babiri gusa, maze umwe akaba ari we uzajya utegurirwa ifunguro ryihariye, undi we akakirizwa ibisanzwe, bishobora kubabaza wawundi, nk’aho ari igihano cyangwa se kwigizwayo.
Kugira ibyo ahuriyeho n’umubyeyi
Megan Gilligan, umwalimu wa siyanse y’imikurire ya muntu n’umuryango muri University of Missouri yakoranye ubushakashatsi n’abandi balimu batatu b’inzobere mu mibanire, n’imitekerereze bwatewe inkunga n’ikigo cya Amerika National institute of Aging. Bakurikiranye imiryango itandukanye mu gihe cy’imyaka 20 kugira ngo bumve neza imibanire hagati y’ibiragano (generations). Muri iyo nyigo babajije ababyeyi b’abagore n’ab’abagabo ikibazo kimwe ku gutonesha – kuri benshi byari ubwa mbere babajijwe iki kintu.
Ikibazo cyari: “Ni uwuhe mwana wumva wiyumvamo cyane?”, nyuma yo kureba ibyavuyemo, basanze urugero runini rw’abagore (75%) baravuze umwe mu bana babo. Abasigaye bavuze ko nta n’umwe, cyangwa bavuga ko bose babakunda bingana.
Banabajije uwo bumva abatengushye kandi batajya imbizi nawe kurusha abandi. Igisubizo cyagize ingaruka mu buzima, umwana wavuzwe mbere “nk’uwabatengushye” na nyuma yaje gufatwa gutyo.
Uko abana bakurikirana nabyo bishobora kugira uruhare mu gutonesha, gusa bishobora kutarugira cyane nk’uko kenshi byibazwa, nk’uko umushakashatsi Gilligan abivuga.
By’umwihariko, ibyo nakekaga ko imfura ishobora guhita iba “umwana ukunzwe” ntabwo bishimangirwa n’ubushakashatsi. Mu kwegerana kw’amarangamutima, abahererezi ubundi nibo bakunze gukundwa kurushaho kurusha abo hagati cyangwa imfura, nk’uko Megan Gilligan abivuga.
Ariko ikintu gikomeye kurusha ibindi gitera uko gukundwakazwa ni ibyiyumvo by’umubyeyi ko afite ibyo ahuriyeho n’uyu mwana kurusha abandi.
Gilligan nawe ashimangira ikibazo gishobora kuva ku gufata abana bitandukanye, nk’imibanire mibi y’abavandimwe, aho abumva badakunzwe cyane batigirira icyizere, kandi ntibabane neza cyane n’umubyeyi.
Ku “mwana ukunzwe” nabyo bizana akababaro kabyo. Gilligan ati: “Wakwibaza ko gukunda umwana runaka bimuzanira inyungu nyinshi, ariko nabyo bishobora gutera ibibazo mu mutwe kuri abo bana iyo bakuze. Twasanze gutoneshwa bifitanye isano n’ibimenyetso by’agahinda gakabije kuri abo bana. Twibaza ko ibi ari ukubera ko gutoneshwa na nyoko bitera imibanire mibi y’uwo mwana n’abandi bavandimwe. Twasanze ibi bibazo by’abavandimwe bakuze ari ingaruka z’ubuzima bwo mu mutwe.”
Bishobora no kuganisha ku mutwaro utangana mu buzima nyuma. Iyo umubyeyi amaherezo akeneye kwitabwaho n’abana be, akenshi asanga wa mwana yatoneshaga, nk’uko Gilligan abivuga.
Nubwo iki kibazo gishobora kudukurikirana uko dukura, uko tubana nacyo bigenda bihinduka uko imyaka ishira. Gilligan yanditse inyandiko ku nyigo zivuga ku ngaruka z’iki kibazo mu buzima bwose, kuva ku myaka mito, ku muntu mukuru kugera ku myaka 60 no hejuru yayo.
Igisubizo ntabwo ari ugufata abana bose cyo kimwe, nk’uko Kramer abivuga. “Ntibishoboka gufata abana bose cyo kimwe mu bintu byose, kandi n’abana siko baba babishaka. Buri mwana yifuza kumvwa uko ari, imyaka ye, ibyo yifuza, igitsina, n’imiterere ye,” nk’uko abivuga.
Uyu muhanga agira inama ababyeyi ko buri gihe bakwiye kuzirikana kudasumbanya bikabije abana kuko ari ingenzi cyane mu mukirire yabo n’ubuzima bwabo igihe babaye abantu bakuru n’igihe nabo bafite ingo n’abana babo.
Igitekerezo cy’uko twigira ku buryo ababyeyi bacu batureze gisa n’ukuri. Mama buri gihe yaruriraga basaza banjye ibiryo birutaho ibyanjye kuko babonwaga “nk’abahungu b’igikuriro”. Umugabo wanjye ubu yamaze kubona ko iyo ndi kwarura ibiryo byacu bya nijoro mbigenza gutyo, nkamushyiriraho byinshi kurusha ibyanjye.
Ntabwo mbabazwa n’itandukaniro rito ry’uburyo njye n’abavandimwe banjye twafatwaga tukiri abana. Uyu munsi tuba hafi ababyeyi bacu, natwe turi inshuti. Ariko nsubiye inyuma, nsanga ya mbwa y’iwacu Sheba ishobora kuba ariyo data mu by’ukuri yakundaga cyane.
@BBC
